mikeShriver

I’m publishing this essay on my blog, because I can’t find it anywhere online, and I think it’s too excellent a piece of satire to go unread. This essay is excerpted from Chesterton’s 1932 collection of observations on America entitled Sidelights.

A Plea for Prohibition

After a careful study of the operations of Prohibition in America, I have come to the conclusion that one of the best things that the Government could do would be to prohibit everything.

That the story of Mephistopheles, the fiend who tempted Faust, is in reality an allegory of the story of Prohibition in America, is admitted by all serious scholars whose authority carries weight in the modern world. Critics admiring the sarcasm of Mephistopheles have repeatedly referred to his humor as “dry” – a term now impossible to separate from its political content. The promise of the devil to produce a new and youthful Faust, in place of the old one, is obviously an allusion to the promise of the Prohibitionist to produce a new and fresh generation of American youth, unspoiled by the taste of alcohol. The allegory is not only clear about the sort of things that Prohibition really performed. One of the things, for instances which Mephistopheles really performed (if I remember rightly) was to make holes in a tavern table and draw out of the dead timber some magic hell-brew of his own, saying something like,

Wine is sap and grapes are wood;
This wooden board yields wine as good.

Could there possibly be a more self-evident and convincing references to the abuse arising from wood alcohol? Any critic who would evade so crushing a conclusion, as if it were a coincidence, must be indeed lacking in the logic that has lent stability and consistency to the Higher Criticism. When the fiend describes himself as “the spirit who denies,” it is plain enough that we are to read it in the sense of one who denies people the use of spirits. But the conclusive argument to my mind, in that Mephistopheles distinctly says of himself, “I am he who always wills the bad and always works the good.”

That Prohibition and Prohibitionists willed the bad no righteous or Christian person will doubt for a moment. That Prohibition and Prohibitionists eventually work the good may appear for the moment more doubtful. And yet there is one sense in which Prohibition has already worked some good; and may yet work very much more good. Wood alcohol is not in itself a happy example; and no judicious wine-taster will expect to find the best vintages in a liquid drawn by a devil out of a dinner-table. But there really is already in America a large number of people who are producing drinks in an equally domestic fashion; and drinks for their own dinner-tables if not out of them. It is not by any means true that all this home-made drink is poison. The presence of the devil is plain enough in the pleasing scheme of the American Government to poison all the alcohol under its control, so that anybody drinking it may be duly murdered; but murder has become almost the ordinary official method of the enforcement of a teetotal taste in beverages.

But the private brews differ very widely; multitudes are quite harmless and some are quite excellent. I know an American university where practically every one of the professor brews his own beer; some of them experimenting in two or three different kinds. But what is especially delightful is this: that with this widespread revival of the old human habit of home-brewing, much of that old human atmosphere that went with it has really reappeared. The professor of the higher metaphysics will be proud of his strong ale; the professor of the lower mathematics (otherwise known as high finance) will allege something more subtle in his milder ale; the professor of moral theology (whose ale I am sure is the strongest of all) will offer to drink all the other dons under the table without any ill effect on the health. Prohibition has to that extent actually worked the good, in spite of so malignantly and murderously willing the evil. And the good is this: the restoration of legitimate praise and pride of the creative crafts of the home.

This being the case, it seems that some of our more ardent supporters might well favour a strong, simple and sweeping policy. Let Congress or Parliament pass a law not only prohibiting fermented liquor, but practically everything else. Let the Government forbid bread, beef, boots, hats and coats; let there be a law against anybody indulging in chalk, cheese, leather, linen, tools, toys, tales, pictures or newspapers. Then, it would seem by serious sociological analogy, all human families will begin vigorously to produce all theses things for themselves; and the youth of the world will really return.

Tags: America, Chesterton, Homebrewing, Prohibition.

Step One: Preparing Your Workspace

A clean brewery is critical to the success of brewing your first beer. Infection is your enemy, and sanitization is your primary weapon against against the incoming invasion. Before you even begin to brew, ensure that your equipment is clean and sterile, and that your workspace is well-organized and easily accessible.

Starches are extracted from grains and converted into sugars, which are then flavored with hops, consumed by live yeast and turned into alcohol. That’s the theoretical concept behind the production of beer. In practice, the act of making beer is so laced with craft, tradition and style, that such a simplistic explanation does it no real justice. The first time I attempted to make a batch of my own beer, I was introduced to a surprising world of craft that I had not previously known existed.

Step Two: The Mash

Malted grains, usually barley, form the bulk of the fermentable sugars in a batch of beer. In order to extract these sugars, the grains must be ‘mashed’ with hot water. The heat of the water allows enzymes to form which break down the starches into fermentable and non-fermentable sugars. The temperature of the water during the mash is extremely important to the success of the brew.

Being a first time brewer, The complexity of making an all-grain batch of beer was well beyond my skill level. The introductory-level alternative is called an ‘extract’ batch, In that process, this prohibitively complicated first step is replaced with the purchase of a pre-made malt extract. This is seven pounds of a thick, sticky syrup that contains the sugars that are necessary for brewing.

Step Three: The Boil

The liquid that results from the mashing process is called ‘wort’. This liquid contains all the sugars and other compounds required for fermentation, but it is not quite ready for the yeast to be pitched. Before that can happen, the wort needs to be brought to a rolling boil, and kept there for at least an hour. Boiling performs multiple functions, including sanitizing the wort, and removing unwanted compounds that can add off-flavors to the final brew. During the boil, hops are added to flavor and bitter the brew. Boiling also helps extract alpha acids, which preserve and bitter the beer, and other flavors from the hops.

I tend to be an inattentive person, which is problematic during this phase of brewing. Attention is key, if neglected, the wort will burn or boil-over, and the caked on, burnt sugars are messy and difficult to clean off of the stove-top. Close attention must also be paid to the addition of hops. Hops are added at various times during the boil, in various quantities depending on the style and recipe being used. If the schedule isn’t followed closely, the resulting beer may be too bitter or too sweet, or it may lack depth of aroma and flavor.

Step Four: Cooling the Wort and Pitching the Yeast

Once boiling is complete, and the wort is ready for the yeast to be pitched. The final step is reducing the temperature of the wort to a range that the yeast can survive, usually below 70 degrees. The faster the wort is cooled, the less chances there are for bacterial infection. Once the wort is cooled to the proper temperature, it should be aerated, usually with vigorous shaking of the fermentor. Then the yeast can be pitched and the fermentation chamber sealed.

Preparation is extremely important to the process of brewing, but I still find myself caught off guard almost every time I get to this step. The simplest way to cool without any special equipment is to douse the brew-pot in a sink full of ice-water. Lack of preparation forces me to rush to the 7-11 next door in the last few minutes of the boil to grab three bags of ice to fill my sink. I can say from experience, that haste amplifies the destructive force of my mess.

Step Five: Fermentation

Fermentation should happen at a constant temperature that is determined by the yeast and style being brewed. Ales are fermented by top-feeding yeast which produce the best beverages at 60-70 degrees, whereas lagers are fermented by bottom-feeding yeasts at 50-60 degrees, for a longer period of time. Fermentation can be done in two stages, with the first usually consuming most of the sugar, and the second stage happening in a different fermentation vessel for clarifying and finishing the beer. A second stage of fermentation is not usually necessary for most styles.

Human beings have always been captivated by fermentation, from the first people to discover an overturned beehive filled with rainwater and natural mead, to the monks of Europe that crafted the divine styles to support their monasteries. What perfect force other than the breath of God can turn simple earthly sugars into the holy spirits of the angels?

Step Six: Bottling

Once the beer has completed fermentation, and reached it’s final gravity, it is time to package and condition. At this stage, it will lack any carbonation, and there are several ways to package and carbonate beer. Bottle-conditioning involved mixing a small amount of adjunct sugar into the beer, and sealing it into bottles. The residual yeast left in the beer will consume the small amount of added sugar, creating carbon dioxide, which will remain trapped in the beer due to the sealed bottles. The beer can also be siphoned off into a keg, which can be pressurized with a CO2 tank, and served directly from a tap. Homebrew stores sell 5-gallon ‘Cornelius’ Kegs specifically for this purpose.

My first attempt at brewing left me exhausted, and my kitchen covered in the ruin of a smelly mess. The resulting beverage was cloudy, yeasty, and under-carbonated. But the holy miracle had nonetheless taken place. Water had been transformed to beer, and I was irreversibly addicted to my newest hobby.

Tags: Creative Writing, Homebrewing.

Thanks to the capable instruction of my friend Danielle, I have taken up a new hobby-as-distraction: Knitting. Of course, as in most things, I am something of a prodigy of this competitive sport.

Remember kids, the ‘K’ is hard. Say it with me: K-nitting

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Tags: Crafting, Hobbies, Knitting.

I got a little impatient and cracked a bottle open on Monday. Inside I found a liquid not unlike beer! Success!

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Tags: Beer, Hobbies, Homebrewing.

I am now just a few weeks away from playing out this scene:

The setting is a dark, unfinished basement in an old house in Ballard. Indie music blares lethargically from the speakers of an old boom box. A dense cloud of 20-something hipsters mills around, their motions mirroring the mundane cycles of their lives; A weather system of humanity fueled by the dreary indie music and a fridge full of watery beer. It leads them outside for a cigarette, back inside for a beer, back outside to vomit in a bush, and take it from the top.

But who is this tall, handsome stranger? And what does he carry in his hand, but a case of homemade beer! Instantly faces light up, attitudes change and the party’s death flow reverses. Hipsters find new meaning in their lives as they crack open a bottle of a flavorful home brewed ale. Someone changes the music to a lively dance song, people begin to congregate on the dance floor and move their bodies in ways that are new and lifegiving. Another dreary party saved from the cusp of collapsing under it’s own angst. A hundred hipsters turn their eyes to me and ‘Prost!’ and I am regarded as hero.

I put my first batch of home brew in bottles yesterday. This is the final leg of the journey.

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Tags: Beer, Hobbies, Homebrewing.